A Devil Among Us
by xXxHoneyRosexXx
Summary: I was born out of hatred, disgust and ill intentions, she was born from love, desire and beautiful words. As I walk among those who grew up in loving homes and wanted for nothing I can honestly say; there is a devil among us. Rated M for vulgarity, sexual situations, drug use and situations.
1. He is the Devil

Alright so I'm trying something new. I wanted to attempt to write in first person because honestly, I think it's a better way to convey emotion in a story. There are going to be _a lot _of different Harvest Moon characters in this. The perspectives are going to switch back and forth between Chase/Chihaya and Hikari/Molly. The story is a bit dark so if you aren't into that don't read...Anyway, please enjoy and let me know what you think! PS: I don't own Harvest Moon

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"_Failure, failure, you're a God damned mother fucking failure." _ These are the only words I can force myself to utter as I mechanically smack my head against the walls of my empty shell of a home. Life has proceeded to fuck me over _yet again, _leading me to believe nature takes some kind of sick twisted _joy _in watching me suffer. I thought _maybe, _just _maybe_ that things were finally starting to look up. What a ludicrous delusion.

I'm a reliable man, good for my word and not one to break promises. However, I suffer from random bouts of sarcasm and pride myself of my eloquently sharp tongue. I should refrain, yet I just can't seem to _contain _that part of myself. Is it a defense mechanism? _Maybe, _but I'd never admit that to anyone, not even _her, her_, being the cause of my internal distraught. Maybe that was the cause of this inevitable downfall. I fell short as always and disappointed the person I had held so high _yet again._

It's to be expected; however, at least it _should _be expected. First my mother and now my fiancée, or rather, _ex-_fiancée. She could fall off the face of the Earth, spiral into the depths of Tartarus for all I fucking care. I was weak, fooled and dare I say _in love _with that wretch who dares to classify herself in the same species as myself. A _human _wouldn't act as she had, a_ human _would not sleep with the Mayor's son in _my _fucking _bed. _The fact that she held the audacity to even partake in such lucrative actions in _my _home is revolting in itself.

I can feel my eyes visibly losing light. I'm scanning the house for anything of sentimental value I could take with me, yet everything just reeks of her unwanted presence. Then again, my house is pretty hollow anyway so there's not much to inspect. Can't take my sweatshirt, it emits a revolting stench of lilies and Chamomile, a scent which seems to constantly make an appearance throughout my life. I'd rather bear it out in the snow than wear something drenched in the scent of everything I've ever loathed.

My backpack is only half full of clothing and hidden funds by the time I venture out of a place I once called home. I unintentionally gazed to the lonely expanse of sky and moon that was just overhead, noting how this seemed to be befitting company for one such as myself. It was late in the evening when I began my trek to the pier, everything was silent and the area seemed desolate of life.

"_Good" _managed to push its way out of my mouth, sounding more like venom than a cohesive statement. Solitude suited me, solitude _became _me. A person as fucked up as me didn't deserve friends didn't deserve a family and _apparently sure as hell didn't deserve a wife. _It's time I stopped lying to myself, pretending to be someone unbroken by what life has given me. It's time to become what I had once been and have so reluctantly given up. Fuck society, fuck my mom and dad and fuck Rin Hamaguchi. A boat has never appeared so liberating to me before.

The captain is giving me a questioning look, trying to figure out what I intend to do. _Good luck, _I'm an enigma, even to myself. If some elderly little ship captain can figure me out then maybe there's even _more _wrong with me. His beady little wearied eyes are boring into my soul and it's unnerving.

"Where you headed lad?" His voice is deep, filled with what sounded like an infinite amount of wisdom. Hell if I know where I'm going, I tell him I don't know and that as long as it's far enough away from this place I couldn't care less. He looks at me with this kind of misunderstood sadness and it _pisses me off. _This decrepit piece of existence thinks he can judge me, he thinks he has me figured out, huh? He tells me I'm upset, doesn't even ask, _tells me what I'm feeling. _I'm fuming; ready to burst out of this composed bubble I've shielded myself in for the past four years.

Alas, I contain myself once again because this isn't the place to lose it. Then it hits me, I know where I have to go. I tell him to take me to The Mainland and he looks at me funny this time. I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. Take me back to where I came from, to where I _belong. _That little orphan from the street fought, not for food not for money but because he _could_. All these years I've been suppressing the desire, no the _need _to fuck someone up so bad that I'd possibly ended their meager excuse for an existence.

That captain must see the crazy look that I can literally _feel _in my eyes because he doesn't question me anymore. He turns his back on me like everyone else and starts us off. The air is impossibly cold, but I don't feel it. The only thing I can manage to process through my brain is my uncontrollable desire to kill someone, my mixed up feelings of a tainted love and hatred for Rin Hamaguchi and wondering if seeing her son like _this _would have gaged any sort of reaction from the hollow shell that my mother had been.

_No, _I laugh to myself internally. Yet even in my mind I can hear how uncertain, how _expecting _it sounded. No, she wouldn't have batted an eye, wouldn't have given even a minimal _shit _about what I have become. A mother who loved her son would have fed him, held him, taken the initiative to remove herself from that God damned fucking windowsill she'd inhabited for two _years _of my life and _sure as hell wouldn't have tried to commit a joint suicide with her fucking six year old. _

I loved my mom, she was all I had after dad left or died one of the two, he could still be alive for all I fucking know. I loved her even when she went insane. She hadn't always been that way, mind you, once upon a time there'd been a mother who kissed my forehead every night and whispered sweet nothings of dreams I would never obtain, a mom who would sing heartfelt songs of adventure and a little flower boy who fell in love with a princess, a mom who told me she loved me every day, every night, _all the fucking time. _It's funny how we don't really appreciate those things when we're young and naïve, but believe me I was _clamoring _for it when she found it much more enjoyable to occupy her time with passing images of cars flying by our window, which, funny enough is what she tried to _end _us with.

I remember it, thoroughly, _vividly. _When I'd left for school it was like any other fucking day had been, I woke up and she was _still _glued to the windowsill, same position and everything. I dressed myself in rank over used clothing that hadn't been washed in _God knows when. _The shirts barely fit me anymore and I had had to use a belt to keep my pants together. My shirt would usually be on backward or inside out because it was _dark, _dark because no one had paid a bill since dad disappeared. I remember going downstairs every day looking in the refrigerator and hoping by some miracle there'd be a scrap of food that I could somehow salvage for a meal.

Alas, there never was. There never was a mom waiting to take me to school, to cook me breakfast and hand me lunch, to buy me clothes that fit and to pay the bills so I wouldn't be so unbelievably _cold. _At school I'd reside within myself. There were no friends because I didn't know how to communicate much. My mother never uttered a word to me and she'd cut me off at a critical time of development in my childhood. Teachers didn't fuck with me and I didn't bother with them. I'm fairly certain the only reason I hadn't died back then was because I'd feed off the scraps of food the other children would discard after lunch. My meals consisted mostly of sandwich crusts, scrapped out globs of chocolate pudding and if I was lucky, maybe half a bag of a snack bag.

That day when I'd returned home I literally almost pissed myself. There was my mom after two years of silence, standing by the door in all her sickly skinny dirty looking glory. I remembered once thinking my mother was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She'd had such exuberant violet tinted eyes that had been so full of vigor. Her hair was always so well kept and soft, she was put together so well and I'd assumed my father had swelled with pride at the fact that she was _his. _Yet when I had looked at her then she looked unimaginably _frail, _like if I had so much as _touched _her she would shatter into a million pieces never to be rebuilt again.

When she spoke her first words there had been no smile, no appearance of guilt, just a raspy dying squeak of a voice asking if I wanted to go for a ride with her. Now remember I was still young, a lot less naïve but nevertheless still _young _and I wanted to trust in my mother. I remember unwanted tears streaming down my dirtied face when she grabbed my hand for the first time in years and led me out to her car. The only reason we'd still had a car or a house was because thankfully they'd been paid off before dad left. Our little black car was lacking gas and I remember watching my mother sit there staring like she couldn't possibly comprehend why the car wasn't working. It looked like I was losing her again so thinking quickly I had thrown myself out of the car and scoured the garage for a container of gas. Thankfully, it sat on a lone shelf covered in cob webs and spiders, but I didn't care. I grabbed it and put it where I thought gas went and low and behold our car started.

We rode off in silence and it still sickens me how I had gotten so much contentment from her accompanied _silence. _Not a 'how have you been?' or 'I'm sorry for forgetting you', but a hollow, empty _quiet. _I remember looking out the window at all the cars passing us by, some with lone passengers and others with happy families chatting away at each other. This was enough I had thought. This car ride was enough to give me happiness. Such a sickening feeling of ease, I have to hold the bile down just _remembering _how happy I had been at that very moment.

"Chihaya, do you love me?" The way her voice retained a permanent monotone would leave one to believe she was more robotic than human, yet I had smiled at her and nodded as vigorously as I could. Yes mommy, I love you. I love you more than the broken remnants of toys I so luckily still owned, more than the wind that blew relentlessly through our broken home and chilled me to the bone every _fucking _night and more than all the times I had put a blanket over your frail body on said nights to ensure you didn't die from the cold. Yes, in that moment I had loved you more than anything, mom.

That second, that _millisecond _that I saw it will forever be etched into my mind. No amount of drugs or alcohol could ever make me forget the way my mother smiled. That heart wrenching curl of her lips was enough to make angels cry and bring the Gods to their knees, it was so painfully beautiful I almost missed the small '_mama loves you too' _fall from her broken lips as she swerved our car into the opposite lane. It happened too fast and I don't remember feeling any pain, just endless amounts of light engulfing me.

Hues of gold filtered in from every crevice of the room and I'd felt blinded by such a pure type of presence. My mother was gone and I was just floating by myself through a vast emptiness of light. The beauty didn't last however as I began to feel my body plummeting back down to Earth. It hit me like the weight of the world and my eyes shot open. _Pain, _immense indescribable amounts of pain were all I felt aside from the cold stares of strangers engulfed in white. I remember seeing their lips move and to this day I don't know exactly what they were saying.

Everything that preceded this event would inevitably set me up to be the person I am today. They'd told me mom hadn't made it, that she'd gotten the blunt of the force and died on impact. I'd taken it in silence, no tears, no screams of anguish, just an eerily understanding _silence. _When they realized I was now alone, well, maybe I had family but they sure as hell didn't give a shit, anyway they'd shoved me out of there as soon as they could and sent me to an orphanage.

You know those movies with the stereotypical run down orphanages where everyone treats the children like slaves and monsters but in the end the evil deeds are uncovered and the demonic staff is jailed and the children are given to families who love them? Imagine somewhere like that, except erase the part about retribution being served and being saved. I can tell you right now I was never _saved, _let alone looked at as more than an abomination to humanity.

I was beaten more times than I could count, harassed by staff and children alike and left to no one but myself. Yet, as sad as it sounds _I liked it that way. _I liked that I was getting my ass kicked, I _deserved _it. I killed my mom, it had to have been me, right? I'd turned into a bit of a pyro during my time in the orphanage, okay…Maybe _more than a little bit. _Note how I said 'during my time in the orphanage' meaning I hadn't been there very long. Not because I was adopted, but because I burned that fucker to the _ground. _I'm sure they evacuated everyone in time, at least I think they did…Whatever, anyway so I burned it and ran. It wasn't very hard considering that I had nothing to my name. I was Hirose Chihaya a fourteen year old orphaned little miscreant who was meant to have died with his mother. I was reduced to living on the streets and just trying to _live. _Live for what? I don't know, I still don't know the answer but I sure as hell took it seriously.

By the time I was sixteen I'd hit my all time low. I'd murdered another child who had been just like me, living on the streets just trying to scrape by. He'd tried stealing my food while I'd fallen into a restless sleep and that just couldn't happen. It was a dog eat dog world out there and sometimes that dog would have to go for blood just to make it another day. You know you're gone when it doesn't even _faze_ you as his eyes bore right into your soul, asking _why. _I'd left him there and simply moved to another location.

I'd had means of getting extra cash, though it wasn't a very _honest _way of making it by. Long story short, I got into the drug business. Not just the weak stuff either but the heavy kind of _this may or may not kill you _shit. Even worse I'd gotten myself into it too. Hell, I still can fondly recall how much I could _repress and forget _when I was hopped up on anything and everything.

Being in that line of business never ends well though, as I'm sure anyone with a _smidge _of intelligence could have figured out. I was jumped out of nowhere, beaten, bruised and left for dead _yet again. _I really thought my life had finally started coming to a close. I vaguely remember dragging myself in whatever direction I felt would get me away from danger in which case I ended up at the beach. As I laid on the sandy shore off the path that led into the city I remember the flood of tears that I couldn't contain anymore. For God's sake I was sixteen, sixteen _fucking _years old and I'd _killed _a child. I'd lost my family, burned an orphanage to the ground, sold and distributed drugs just so I could _live. Who lived that way? _Me, I lived that way and it was all I'd ever fucking known. I laid there and cried about everything, I'd imagined the family I would have had if my father had remained with us. I imagined the school I would still be in and the friends I could have had if all this _fucking shit hadn't happened. _I screamed at nothing in particular and gripped at my heart that I wasn't even sure existed anymore. I screamed for my mom, I screamed for my life and I screamed for the devil that I had become.

Again, things are fuzzy but I remember limping over to a small boat that had been tied to the pier. I wanted to sleep forever and forget the life I led. So I had huddled myself into the corner of that boat and I forgot. I pretended I was someone else, someone who had parents, someone with friends and someone who wouldn't stoop to the lowest of the low just to make it. For the first time in years I smiled. It wasn't malevolent; it was pure and childish as I portrayed a new life in my head. I remember dreaming of an average life with everything a child could have wanted and I slept soundly for the first time in a while.

When I woke up however something was wrong. Aside from the numbing pain I felt throughout my body I noticed that I wasn't where I had been. This beach was more pristine, polished and untouched. There was an undeniable calm that filtered through the breeze and it left me in a state of serenity. For once everything was _quiet…_ This island was where I had spent the next five years of my life. The island of Castanet was a beautifully designed Grecian type town with endless windmills and pale paved walkways that could take you anywhere.

I remember stumbling into town in the dead of night, rising from the sand like a being of hell. I had walked miles, _miles, _and trailed remnants of my bloodied war through my travels. I'd stopped when I had reached a seemingly dead end in the town's mining district. I'm smiling to myself already, I can feel it. For you see, it was at this moment that I met my one and only friend in the world. I must have scared the shit out of him though, I'm pretty sure I _did._ I was exhausted, tired, dirtied and weary from the life that had no doubt aged me. I felt everything come crashing down on me at that moment and I knew I couldn't walk anymore. Running on pure adrenaline I stumbled toward the nearest home I saw, it had seemed to be a carpentry of sorts. I peered in through the window and low and behold there he was, sleeping like the idiot he is in _the _most moronic position. I'm fairly certain even in my time of need I had still managed to cock a brow at him. I believe my hearing was starting to leave me due to the fact that I remember hitting his window but I don't recall the sound it made.

Sure enough it'd been loud enough; his reaction to my presence was rather comical. He'd fallen out of his bed, looked up at me, fell over _again _and _then _he slowly pulled himself up to make eye contact with me. I must have been a sight because as soon as he saw me he'd made the most overdone, obnoxious gaping face I'd ever seen. My vision was beginning to blur at this point and I only recall vaguely seeing a flash of blue streak out of my peripheral before I was gone.

Let me take a moment to say that I hate everyone now, everyone _except _Luke. Yeah, that's his name in case you were wondering. Luke Morrison, a loud, obnoxious and as I learned later, _foreigner. _Up until that point in my life all the people I'd ever met had been cold and cynical shells of human beings. There was no care, no kindness, just a bleak and endless void of hatred. Not Luke though, my God I remember waking up to this guy bawling his eyes out at my bed side at the town's local doctor's office. Didn't even _know _me yet but he was _crying _for _my _sake. Of course me being the animalistic _ass_ I am I'd freaked out when he startled blabbering at me that he was so happy that I was okay and blah blah.

I'd run away after that. _Yep, _weak little just had the shit beaten out of him Chihaya bolted out of that clinic faster than a Godless man slams the door to a Jehovah Witness. I ran in the opposite direction that I had went the night before and ended up in a deep thicket of trees and other greenery. I honestly don't know why I had run away like that at the time. Maybe I was scared? Who knows, anyway I found myself situated on a log and I just _cried. _Jesus, remembering this part of my life makes me feel like a fucking pansy. Note that I don't cry like this anymore. I'd been content to cry all alone but leave it to my noble soon to be best friend to know where to find me. He had come up to me and sat on the other end of the log I had been occupying and stared at me for long, long, extremely _uncomfortable amount of time _until finally he'd just uttered four simple little words that unleashed me from my binds: "_Just let it go."_

And so I did. I let it all go. I told him about the happy family I'd once had, the mother who once wore dresses and sang pretty songs of love and didn't leave her son for dead. I told him of all the nights I'd lie awake wondering if this was the night it'd all come to an end. I told him about how she tried to kill us, the orphanage and how I just fucking scorched it. My murder, drug addiction and deals and how I ended up here. He listened to every word I said and never made any comment. No judgment was given no _I understand_ because he knew he most certainly did not fucking understand because no one ever could. Just a firm hand planted on my shoulder telling me my future wasn't set in stone and I could _change my destiny. _

This was the moment that set us up for the friendship we still have, or _had _I guess considering I'm not sure if he'll forgive me for the things I'm about to do. Alas, after that his family took me in for a while and I'd introduced myself to the town. Not as Hirose Chihaya, the child of nothing but as a lie. I lied to each and every one of the townspeople. I was an orphan, but I'd been taken in by my grandparents and raised in a loving home, yet I'd wanted independence and had come here to find it. Why was I hurt? I'd fallen along the way. They'd believed it, and for a time so did I. It's always easier to believe in a beautiful lie than in a harsh unforgiving reality.

Three years went by and I was nineteen. I'd managed to move out of Luke's house and live on my own. The manager of the town's local bar hired me as a chef. This little facet of me has been highly unknown but seeing as how I'd been brought up I'd had to make whatever I could to survive. Mainly after the orphanage I'd started cooking things on open fires in the alleyways. So, not to brag but I'd gotten pretty good at fashioning up some decent food. My lie of a life was turning into reality and everything was going perfect for once, yet we all know things aren't perfect forever. I'm about to lose my composure again as I delve into the subject of Rin _fucking _Hamaguchi. Now, that's not her real middle name but it sure as hell _could have been. _

Rin was fairly young when she'd moved to Castanet, about eighteen at the time if I remember correctly. She had answered some ad the _mayor _had put out for a personal concubine for his son…Not really, forgive my _humor. _She was actually there to start a ranch or something. She'd mentioned to me something about how her father had a farm while she grew up, leaving me to wonder why she couldn't have just _stayed there instead of shoving her grubby little excuse for an existence into mine. _She'd come to the bar every other night and get wasted off the puny little cocktails we offered. I remember quite _clearly _how she would patronize me whenever she had the opportunity. My God, she questioned my odd violet eyes, the shade of my hair and my fairly tall height every day. She pissed me off and it got real bad as time went by. You see I _could _have freaked out on her but I felt it wouldn't have been very good for the image I portrayed. However, after dealing with her snide remarks for six long months I'd had enough. I remember following her as she toddled home one night after a particularly large quantity of alcohol. It had been about midnight and no one would be around to witness me murder her with words, yet when I approached her…Well I definitely hadn't been expecting what came after.

See, _this was the fucking moment I should have realized she was a loose whore. _I turned her around; she looked me up and down, told me she thought I was _hot _and proceeded to _make out with me. _Keep in mind the only conversations we'd ever had were snarky little verbal brawls yet there she was sucking my face like she'd loved me- wait let me rephrase, wanted to _fuck _me like we would have died at any second. Yeah I'm putting it down _now, _yet I _am a man. _At the time I was pretty fine with it. One thing led to another and she ended up coming home with me and we fucked around all night. Now, she wasn't my first but I don't really like talking about my sexual escapades…

I remember waking up the next morning to a freaking _note _saying she'd had a good time with me and was happy to have a _boyfriend like me. _What the actual fuck right? What is it with women thinking as soon as you fuck them you're automatically committed to them? I should have been able to get out of it right? Wrong, very wrong. She had told _everyone _we were together. Luke basically broke down when he found out, he'd known how much I despised her. So, there wasn't exactly much I could have done considering my predicament…I went to her later that day after the endless showers of congratulations and nearly _beat her. _I would never lay a hand on a woman but my God I had been so tempted to back then. I told her I didn't want to date her, that I didn't even know her and quite frankly I had disliked her.

It didn't take long for the water works to erupt, and when I say erupt _I mean erupted like a fucking volcano. _She made me feel guiltier than anyone beside my mother had ever made me feel and long story short…_I agreed to date her. _At first it was real bad, I ignored her most of the time and didn't really want to participate in dates or any of that jazz…Yet eventually I guess she started to _grow on me. _She never went into her past, so I can't validate this but the way she looked at me looked so _similar…_Like how I had looked at my mother when I had just wanted her to _love me. _Call me a pansy or whatever but I think the fact that she reminded me so much of myself made me fall for her. I remembered how much it hurt, how traumatizing it had been to so desperately want love _yet not receive it. _Eventually I'd even learned she had lost her mother too…

We had a lot in common. It hadn't been enough however and it leads us back to where I am right now. I can't even recall how much time has passed since I began to recall my entire life, but I can see the city coming up over the horizon. I'm getting nervous and I can feel the acid in my stomach acting up just at the sight of where I was born. I haven't been here in years…The ship captain takes our boat to the dock and once we are firmly attached to land I take my first step back into the past. With a deep breath and a corrupted gaze I take in the nostalgic scene, everything feels the same. The air is still polluted, the color I had been seeing in life is receding and I'm feeling… _Like my old self. _With the thoughts of my past returning, old anger rebuilding and all my pain resurfacing I mutter words only I can hear.

"My name is Hirose Chihaya, twenty-one years old and I'm _gone."_


	2. She is Tainted

Alright my lovelies! Sorry for the wait but I had to make some story changes so it took a little time... Anyway, this chapter involves rape, nothing graphic, but if that disturbs you please feel free to skip over it.

Names:

Akito-Main boy character from Tree of Tranquility

Keiko- Main girl character from Tree of Tranquility

Yuuki- Main boy from Animal Parade

Hope this helps for visualizing what they look like :) Enjoy! And thank you to the people who reviewed, followed and faved! Please continue to show support!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harvest Moon

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"_Stop." _I say to a presence devoid of righteousness, but it doesn't sound right. It never sounds right the first time. Let's raise the octave.

"_Stop." _I'm flat and the noise makes me cringe, where's the heart, the _soul? _Ah, maybe with some vibrato…

"_Stop." _It finally comes out right. My words resonate throughout the room, throwing themselves off the scarlet painted walls. If _I_ sing the pain lessens but if I sing like _her _it dissipates into a calm nothingness that I can hide in. It's alright; it's alright just keep saying it over and over again until all that's left is a numbing smile.

I'm safe now because I said I am, and if I say I am it must be so. Residing in the depths of my imagination is my sanctuary, my safe haven. No one can taint me here and everything and anything that was ever wrong in the world had never come to be in the beautiful realm that is my mind.

Mom is caressing me telling me in a hushed sing song voice that everything is okay, that mama loves her baby and nothing and no one will ever hurt her. Dad is telling me a long existed tale of love and triumph over evil and I smile because I'm still naïve and believe in such things. My brothers are picking a fight with each other but it's all in good fun and we laugh and laugh for what seems like an eternity and sis tells us how foolish we are while giggling childishly. Forever and ever and ever and forever and for never, yeah, for never because it's all a lie.

Mom is dead, dad isn't here to save me this time and my siblings are broken and know of nothing. So I fall from my peaceful bliss back into an agonizing reality of him touching me in places that I don't want touched and tainting places that I vowed to protect. There's no tears, there haven't been for days upon days upon weeks upon months upon forevers.

_What are my morals?_

He smiles into my skin

_What do I stand for?_

The innocence is stolen

_Can I repent for my sins?_

He's done, there are no more words. No more kisses, promises of undying love, a life he never intended to keep and our dreams of paradise. We've transitioned to purgatory and I'm the dirtiest one.

I'm alone; it's not much of a difference though is it? I collect the remnants of my clothing that haven't been tattered and mutilated by his ravenous touch. It's not enough and it looks like I'm a prostitute, I grip the blanket with all my might to hold back the undeniable urge to sob that is clinging to the back of my throat. I wrap it around my self like a cocoon, my _protection. _

I smile that sickeningly sweet smile that I always manage to plaster onto my face as I walk down the long carpeted hall of my home. I compose myself like I always do, cover the bruises, brush the hairs and straighten my posture like I have for what feels like an eternity. No one knows what I've seen, what I've _lived _and it's _better _that way, fore who would ever accept a tainted existence such as myself? _No one, _not him not her not _anyone, _when I finally reach the door to my apartment I psych myself up, big smiles and optimistic aura, you've got this.

My youngest brother is sitting there, boring his eyes into mine. I can feel it, judgment perhaps? Or is it a look of _knowing? _No, he knows nothing, I laugh internally yet I can only manage to pull a fake smile onto my lips. You shouldn't be up so late sweetie manages to dance its way off my tongue and I want to vomit because I hear how cotton candy sugary sweet it sounds and it sounds so _wrong _but its sounded this way for far too long for me to switch it up now.

Oh God, the way he's looking at me is unnerving. Stop it, dear God stop it please or my wall will shatter. This paper thin, fragile barely existing shield I've had is so close to bursting. Eyes to the left, graceful smile displayed on my porcelain face and a hushed goodnight, I love you thrown at him as delicately as I can muster.

I don't wait for a reply; fore I don't think I have enough in me to stand before my youngest sibling's penetrating gaze any longer.

"Goodnight, Sora."

It's faint, but I hear it softly against my ears as I'm retreating to the sanctity of my bedroom. The door closes oh so quietly and I swear I just let it all go. I was doing so well, I held it in and smiled anyway, but that was too close. Akito knows he _has _to know, dear God he _can't. _I'm the _sane _sister, I can't be this _fucked up. _My little brother needs a constant in his life; he needs someone who's always cheery, always loving and isn't _condemned to eternal damnation. _

No, you know what _I guess it is okay to cry now. _If I scream out all the pain I've endured I can hide it better tomorrow. I can play this façade even longer, if only for a few hours before I over flow again. Before I meltdown and my true colors permeate the air surrounding us with its retched existence and fowl stench of a love long lost. I'll lose it now so I don't lose it tomorrow, or Wednesday or Thursday or any other fucking day of this pitiful excuse I call a life.

_No, _calm down, breathe in and out and smile because if you smile it couldn't possibly be so bad. Tomorrow will be better; tomorrow this will all be in the back of your mind occupying the space that it is _meant _to occupy.

_There, _the tears are ceasing and the screams are receding back into an eerie calm and just like that I'm alright. I'm okay and the visuals of the night's previous memories are leaving my mind like party guests vacate a dead event.

_Quiet_

My head hits the pillow

_You're alright_

All the energy is gone and I can feel myself drifting

_No one ever has to know_

And just like that I'm gone.

"_Honey…" _

I can feel something caressing my scalp, it's calming yet it reminds me of someone from long ago. It's a risky move but I peak one eye open ever so slightly and notice my father is sitting by my side. He looks so aged compared to how he looks in my mind. His face is crumpled into a look of concern and I evade eye contact so I can stay composed.

"Akito told me you looked troubled yesterday."

_So I __**was **__right. _My brother knew, he's starting to catch on and it's concerning. Thinking fast I smile that all too perfected smile that I wear for everyone and I _laugh. _My laugh is firm, confident and full of glee. I'm proud of myself, like _really _proud that I've managed to perfect the art of deceit over all this time.

My father's brow is cocked and he looks at me, like _really _looks at me like he's trying to figure me out. He won't be able to, because even though Akito is smart enough to _maybe _see the signs, my father won't be able to see through the perfected act I've been molding for longer than I can remember.

His suspicious gaze fades and instead he knocks me on the head and points out that I'm already late for school, _again. _It's not like I try to forget, it's just that _his _voice is blasted all over the radio during the early hours and maybe, possibly I'm just blocking out his voice when my alarm blasts.

My father kisses my forehead and reminds me of how I'm in college now and I really need to step up my game. There isn't really much I can fix, I'm already excelling in every class I take at the prestigious visual and performing arts school on the Mainland. My schedule is packed with long, grueling hours of singing, acting and ballet with a few violin lessons here and there. I play the piano but that's on my own time. The piano is my heart and soul, just like mama would have wanted.

_Mama, _everything I love and have _ever _loved is due to her influence. She raised me in her image and crafted me to be just like she had been. Sometimes I think it hurts my father to see how similar we are, how we laugh the same and how we carry ourselves with the same elegance. My mother taught me everything I know, and without her teachings I don't think I would have been able to hide the evils lurking throughout my life like I have.

Hm, it seems while I was lost in thoughts of the past my father has left the room. I feel this happens often, where I lose myself in memories and when I come back I'm all alone. I laugh lightly, because aren't I always alone? I have my brother and father right here with me, yet for some reason I have never felt more secluded.

My oldest brother Yuuki is gone, he ran off to join the Mainland's military as soon as mom died. He had been eighteen at the time and it affected him rather harshly. He still stops by from time to time but that childish humor he used to carry is near to gone. My sister…Well I'm not even sure I want to _discuss _my _sister. _

I guess it needs to be done; it's never good to carry hatred for anyone. My sister's name is Mochizuki Keiko, she was only sixteen years old when she ran away for God knows where. She's been missing for the past five years and we're not entirely sure where she is or if she is even living. She gave us no clues as to where she could have gone, and anywhere we _thought _she would be she is _not. _

Her and my mother didn't have a very good relationship, and Keiko had some mental problems. Not anything that would have labeled her as a special needs child, yet she was a rather…quirked adolescent.

So, I have more than just my youngest brother and my father, yet it is still lonely. Huh, I guess I managed to slip my uniform on while I was lost in thought, strange how I don't notice myself doing these things lately. I cringe when I see myself in the mirror; bruised and dirtied I avert my face from the reflection.

Thankfully it's cold and I can button my shirt up high to disguise the marks of harsh love displayed on my throat. When all is said and done I smile to my refection that now looks pristine and perfect, like she should. My chestnut hair barely skims my shoulders and the uniform I adorn looks crisp and clean against my fair skin. Perfect, perfect like I have to be.

"Sora, are you ready to walk to school?"

Ready? I'm always ready. I smile softly at my younger brother, skipping to his side gracefully and hooking our arms together. His lips turn slightly and I know in that moment he believes I'm happy, in that moment he believes I was just having weird mood swings the night before or I was just having a small girl problem, in that moment I know he suspects nothing, and I smile even wider because the façade can play on even longer.

My brother is fifteen years old yet he already towers over me. Although I am nineteen I'm rather petite and frail looking for a girl my age, which I'm grateful for because who wants to watch a large stumbling performer? Who would want to hire such an eyesore? No one, so I'm right on track for success and smile at that.

There's a new set of faces parading throughout the halls like there usually is, our 'apartment' is actually a hotel that my father owns. We're very successful and the most booked hotel throughout the Mainland so we're a rather well off family. However, we didn't _always _live here and sometimes I yearn for the days that were occupied with open valley views and the taste of fresh home grown vegetables. We weren't born city dwellers; we were originally a family living a peaceful farm life. Wanting for nothing and not needing for particularly anything, why? Because at one point in time we had all we ever thought we would have needed in our large family and cozy valley of Forget-Me-Not.

My father had taken over the family farm, met my mother, fallen in love and raised a family. We were once that picture perfect family; we had everything you'd think of from the cozy little log cabin to the rambunctious beagle who would eagerly greet you every time you walked up the hill to our land. Yet, I knew the end was coming when that very same beagle was shot by the neighbor kid who was on a hunting trip five winters ago.

Whenever I think of my mother I imagine a strong, beautiful woman full of life and vigor. Yet when I think back to that day in December when our family fell I can only recall how weak and frail her lifeless body looked as they carried her away. My brother and father were standing strong, both comforting Akito and Keiko was standing there with a look of indifference like she never really cared, would never care and only wanted to plot her impending departure from our lives.

I can't remember the way I looked; I have a way of suppressing things that would cause an inevitable meltdown from ensuing. I can just imagine that I was most likely numb and desolate. Is it bad that I can't remember? Not only how I felt from the death of my mother, but how I felt about a lot of traumatizing events throughout my life. Is it healthy to live a lie? Most likely not but I know there is no other way to go about it other than shoving it all into the deepest confines of my subconscious.

"Sis, let go…"

My brother's voice knocks me out of my daze and I notice we're at his school. He's giving me that questioning look again and before the beads of sweat can form I smile guiltily. I laugh about how I didn't get much sleep last night and that it must be due to the sudden temperature drop that I'm restless. Before he can comment I kiss his forehead delicately, because I _need _to remain in proper form no matter _what_, and make my way down the narrow side walk toward my own school.

I don't dare look back in case he's still looking at me with _those eyes. _I can feel the tension receding from my muscles and I look composed yet again. Smiling I puff out my chest and ease my posture into a perfect line. I look refined, demure and civilized as each step is carefully placed in front of the other.

I must focus my attention on something in the present, fore if my mind wonders I could end up walking miles upon miles past my academy and that would just throw me into a frenzy, and a frenzy is never a good thing.

I notice the carefree faces of children walking hand in hand with mothers and fathers who look so content to just to be in the company of their offspring, their happiness is contagious as I feel warmth radiating through my chest. Yet, as my eyes wonder to a giddy young couple I feel my chest grip in an unhealthy sort of pain.

Should I scream, cry? No, because then that would cause a commotion, and a commotion is the last thing you want when you're trying to feign properness. So instead I can feel my pale eyes sticking to the dirtied cement, as if that ant carrying food on its little back is the most fascinating thing I have ever witnessed.

What is his goal? Does he have a family to feed, a job he needs to finish, a dream he wishes to obtain? This angers me. Why does this little ant seems to have his life figured out when I don't even know what today will bring? The fury is filling my being and I watch my foot hover menacingly over his little ant body. Right as I'm about to end his life I pause and think for a moment. What will I gain from killing him, would I leave a family without a member or a goal that should have been achieved never even touched? So, I lower my foot next to the other and give one last glance to the little ant going who knows where, and I nod to him, wishing him the best.

I hear a shrill voice call my name and I'm shocked to learn I'm standing right outside of the academy. My best friend is running up to me, her pink curled pig tails twirling as she dashes towards me. Those piercing blue eyes of hers are peering into my very soul and again, I feel nervous.

Her name is Konishi Roomi and she's been my best friend since I'd first moved here five years ago. Nothing slips past her, accept for me that is. I don't know how I've managed to deceive her for so long, yet I guess I can pass it off as yet another accomplishment on my part. Her tiny hip pops out and she places her clenched fist onto the narrowest part of her waist, giving me a menacing glare.

"You're late you know our dance class starts in five minutes!"

She yells in my face in a rather harsh tone but I know there is no hatred behind it. I smile and follow after her as she continues to jab me about my late tendencies and how undependable I am. Yet, when she's all done with her rant and everything she wanted to say has been said she pauses in her step and looks at me slightly concerned. A light are you okay escapes her lips and I perk up. I laugh airily like I've trained myself to do and question why she would be asking me such a thing.

Her gaze is then cast to the ground and she mumbles about how I haven't been myself lately, this causes me to curse internally yet I keep my cool and cock my head to left instead. I tell her I find it odd that she feels that way and that I'm fine and I have been fine for as long as I can recall. Ha, a load of shit that is. Me, okay? No, I'm really never okay but no one could understand so why bother telling anyone? They'd just blame me anyway and I don't need any more added pressure. So when she turns and walks again I smile even wider because I've managed to hide it yet again.

When we get to class my teacher screams in my face, this time however I know it's not out of love, but from anger. I'm unreliable, always late, a disgrace. Same old same old she always says this to me but I don't care for her opinion and I dance like her words meant nothing and I know it pisses her off.

I let my hand soar gracefully over my head and position my body as poised as I could muster, and I dance. I kick my leg out so tight and straight yet I'm imagining that I am causing destruction to everything in my path. My pirouette is so beautiful, so refined, yet in my mind all I can imagine while spinning is deflecting his touch and hurdling him away from my already damaged body. When all the steps are completed and every move accomplished, I've earned gasps of awe at how breathtakingly beautiful I looked dancing throughout the mirrored room, yet I want to correct them and tell them it was never _meant _to be beautiful or perfect, it was _meant _to convey my raw emotions of pain and anguish, the desire I had to destroy him and the hurting feeling I harbored of wanting to reveal all the scars I now adorned.

Yet, all that escapes from my lips are empty words of thanks and smiles that are all too fake and have always been fake. My teacher is not scowling at me anymore, the look is replaced by one of glee at the impending success she _knows _I'm bound for. I catch Roomi's eyes and I shudder at her questioning gaze. It's getting too hard, too _dangerous. _My loved ones are starting to see how flawed I really am and it's killing me inside to know they may be slowly figuring it out.

The bell acts as my savior when it rings to signal class has ended. I avoid Roomi because we're not heading to the same class and I book it out of there. Next is my vocal lessons and it eases my nerves to know I'm not friends with anyone there and no one will see through my shield.

However, I mentally curse when I remember _who _my vocal teacher is. Mochizuki Karen, my aunt and longtime family friend whom I have known my entire life. How did it slip my mind that she is my teacher? She's always been my teacher; maybe I'm losing it _even more_ than I had originally thought. When I enter the class she's eyeing my carefully and I just have to wonder _why the hell everyone is watching me with such suspicion. _My act is basically flawless; they can't possibly know or even have the slightest clue of what's going on.

Keep calm, put that smile on your face and make sure you look happy. She'll think you're fine, she'll think you're fine like they all think you are fine. Her green eyes are studying my movements and when I finally reach her I greet her warmly.

"Good evening, Sora…"

Wait, it's evening already? I try to discretely work my eyes toward the window and I mentally curse at the fact that I hadn't noticed such an amount of time had passed. My composure has remained kept and I keep the smile on my face. Making sure to act in character I hug my aunt Karen and I can feel her shocked response under my vice grip. Slowly, she wraps her arms around my lithe body and feel like I have won. I'm acting just like I normally would and it seems to be working. I'm alright, see?

She smiles at me sadly and motions for me to follow her over to the piano, we begin with some vocal warm ups and I put my heart and soul into it, I want to go higher and louder than ever before, I want to voice my pain. I think my ability to voice my disdain through my art is the only thing that keeps me sane honestly. No one has to know and I can let it all go, it's beautiful yet destructive and I love it.

I can see my aunt Karen eyeing me out of my peripheral, yet I sing anyway. We're working on an emotional piece, I don't remember the name, but I'm glad this is what we're singing because I feel it conveys me so well.

_Octave_

Correct

_Tempo_

On point

_Vibrato_

Not too much or too little

Suddenly my aunt stops playing, we were right in the middle of the song and I look at her slightly confused. She doesn't look at me and she just grabs her belongings and starts packing up, purposely making sure we don't make eye contact. What's wrong? Did I miss my part somewhere along the way? I grip her shoulder lightly and her head whips toward me, she startles me and I fall back a little.

"I just remembered I have to go…Uhm…Do something. Can you close up for me?"

Her words are rushed and I'm not sure if something is genuinely wrong or she's just too disgusted to be in my company, maybe a mixture of both, it wouldn't be surprising. I guess she sees the disdained look staining my features because she smiles quickly at me and says she really had just forgotten a previous engagement she had to go to.

I laugh quietly and pretend I believe her. She half hugs me and scurries out of the room like a pack of discovered mice fleeing for their lives. All I can manage to do is sigh and make my way over to the now abandoned ebony piano sitting in solitude. The piano brings me happiness; it reminds me of a life once full of merriment and enjoyment. I go up the scale, starting from the lowest pitch to the highest. Slowly I begin to play a melody I had composed myself and I feel my attention running elsewhere.

Where am I going? What am I going to do with myself? Such simple questions, yet I can't even begin to answer them. I feel like I'm lost, most of the time, almost all the time. I'm the kind of lost that no matter how hard I search, how much I yearn to return to the home of my previous life, it is an attempt done in vain, a goal that will never be achieved. I hit a low note and the lights go out. However, I don't stop, I keep playing the same melody I'd been playing for who knows how long. The room is dimly lit by the city skylines and lights, though I feel a presence. I know who it is, and I wish with all my might that it was anyone but _that _person.

A hand snakes around my waist and I pick up the pace of my song. I can feel tension rising throughout my body, yet I can't show it, I have to go on. The hand slowly makes its way up to my breast and I have to bite my lip in order to suppress my cry. I know who it is, like I always know who it is. I can smell his breath; he's right at my face. He's been drinking again and I'm sure he's on something like he is always on something. My song is reaching the bridge and I play faster. I have to reach the end, I must, it's needed. If I want to be able to endure I have to make it through.

He digs his nails into my waist and shoves me forward, a disgusting clash of keys resounds throughout the room and my song has ended, brutally, disgustingly and horribly _ended. _I can feel him peeling my clothes off my body and whispering words so sloppily incoherent I don't even bother to try and understand. When I'm finally down to nothing he shoves me harder against the icy ebony piano and I squeal. I squeal and I swear I hear him laugh so disturbingly it scares me. He shoves into me like he always does and I let myself go numb. I hang there and take it like I always take it because if I don't take it then God knows what will happen. I can feel the terror building in my system again and I have to contain myself, fore if I don't I'll lose it. I'll lose it again here and now and if I do that I may not make it out of here.

When I feel that he is done he drops me and I fall against the piano, I smack my head on the edge but I don't feel it. I've grown too cold, too numb to acknowledge the pain of blood trickling down my porcelain face that has been tainted too many times for me to count anymore. What does catch me off guard however is the fact that he has yet to leave. He grasps my bare arm harshly and flips me over so I'm staring straight into his cold brown eyes and what he tells me doesn't exactly process at first.

"I'm leaving you, and I'm leaving this city."

Leaving

Leaving

Leaving

He's leaving? Me, I'm the one he is leaving? No…No. If he leaves me then who could I possibly be with? Who would take someone like me? Tainted, destroyed and void of anything. He can't be serious; he has taken everything from me, my sanity, my body, no _no he can't leave. _I crawl toward him and he kicks my face and I fall. I pull myself into a fetus position on the floor and cradle my jaw that will surely be bruised now. He grips my hair and pulls me up to his face, I don't wince, I don't scream I just stare into nothing and listen to him say that we're over.

I fall to the floor but it doesn't hurt, or maybe it does but I can't feel it anymore. I lay there for longer than I can comprehend, and when I finally blink again he's gone. I'm still naked, vulnerable, and destroyed. I quietly gather my clothes and brokenly smile at the fact that nothing is ripped and I can hide the bruises that I have just obtained. I reach into my bag and pull out a coat and scarf, shakily wrapping myself up to hide the wounds as best I can. I don't even bother with the blood running down my face, I know no one is here anymore, I know no one will see me and my damaged self.

The hallways are desolate of life and I numbly make my way to the exit. My eyes slowly avert to my feet again and I make sure that I'm walking with elegance like I need to. If I stay composed, even just a little then I can pretend that I'm okay just a little bit longer.

Somehow I've ended up five miles away from school and even farther from my house. It's snowing hard and all I can see is a serene white landscape slowly being tainted as the blood drips from my face to the snow. I fall to my knees and finally onto my back, my belongings are strewn across the snow and I pay no mind because there is no more mind to give. Slowly, slowly, so slowly I close my eyes and let the coldness engulf me. I raise my arms up and down, sprawl my legs back and forth in a continuous motion and craft the angel that I will never live to be.

I hear something; it's slowly penetrating my mind. It sounds like screaming and blunt force, yet I can't quite decode it. It's getting louder, more violent and the calm I'd induced upon myself is beginning to fade and I feel fear over coming me. I slowly rise from the earth and shakily make my way up. The noise is so harsh, I clasp my ears shut as I follow it, trying to block out the disturbing muffled noises.

I'm led to an alleyway and I watch in awe as a group of men beat the living shit of another man who is just sitting there and _taking it. _I see it and it angers me so much that it _scares me. _I want to hurt them, I want to _destroy _them. With each kick to his chest and blow to the face a ravenous anger is building inside of me and finally I snap. My eyes shoot to a long, jagged icicle dangling innocently overhead and I break it off without my thought. The snow cushions my steps and years upon years of dancing on my toes pays off. I elegantly dance towards the disgusting excuses for humans and ever so quietly I put the tip to the bastard's neck and whisper in my hushed sing song voice.

_I'll slice your throat if you don't back off._

It comes out so dark, yet feminine and eerily cynical it scares me. The men freeze and the ring leader grows tense under my touch. He's scared and I smile sadistically, _good, I want him terrified. _He throws his hands up and I grip the back of his shirt with my free hand and pull him away from the victim. They all look to me and slowly back up when I push their leader at them, and before I know it they're fleeing.

I look down at my hand and see it's purple. My hand begins to twitch after I drop the icicle and I infer that I have frost bite. I'm too distracted to notice the man rising from beside the dumpster he had previously been leaned against. His equally fair skin makes contact with my wrist and my eyes shoot to his violet ones. I smile at him in that disgustingly perfect way I always smile; I'll act for him as I act for everyone. He'll thank me, I'll tell him it was my duty and we'll be on our way, just like that. Yet, the face that I expected to look thankful had a dark _grimace _plastered upon it.

"Stop acting like you're so fucking perfect, you're imperfect and fucked and _I can_ _see it_."

And just like that, I fell apart.


End file.
